The Hardest Performance

“What is your hardest performance?”

well, what even is “hard”?

is it the hardest one to portray?

the hardest “smile and wave”?

because it is all just the same

i just want to feel something

a spark

to light a fire under my butt

to shock me back to life

i’m coding

CODE BLUE!

everyone clear the patient

but i don’t have the patience

to

just

flip

the

switch

everything is fine

what do you need?

you’re hurting?

well so am i

and so is the next guy

but this isn’t about me

it is about you

so let me pack my wounds so that i may lick yours too

they say you can’t pour from an empty glass

but my well has been dry for years

so i must fill it with my tears

and shift gears

onto the next objective

the next task

the next thing

just

out

of

reach

because if i ever stop what will be left?

nothing?

something?

everything?

who knows and who cares

because that is a fallacy

and this is reality

where perfection isn’t this far off goal

it is the expectation

one step out of line isn’t fine

when everything is on the line

so,

stay with me and don’t you dare flatline

i have always been told

“Close your legs”

“Sit up straight”

may not a single hair be out of place

as you should know your place

“Keep quiet”, “You talk too much”

well, i am too much

“You should be seen, not heard”

but i am the black sheep of this herd

so i must continue to pull the wool over your eyes

so that i don’t get prying eyes

regarding all of my white lies

“Are you okay?”

on a pain scale from 1 to 10, i want to scream i’m a 9

but instead, i respond, yes, i’m completely fine 🙂

can’t you see by the smile plastered across my face that i am doing great

and not full of self-hate

because, darling, if you haven’t realized yet, it is far too late

i am already gone

packed deep away

in a forgotten box in the corner of the attic of my mind

the me you know and love

hell, the me you can’t stand

they are all just pawns in this game

you think we are playing checkers

but this is chess

every move is calculated

with someone else in mind

to not disturb the waters

to not rock the boat

to get in and get out

“keep your head down”

and “put your nose to the grindstone”

grind baby grind

so that others don’t pay any mind

to what goes on behind closed doors

when you are utterly alone

and can’t take it any more

but do not fear because when that switch is turned off and

the monsters come out to play

because they will quickly be stowed away

when the next person comes a-knocking on that door

asking you for more and more.