Lens of Admiration

“Grace, I am going to get a nose job.”

Her words pierced through the air we were both breathing, and we noticed a new shift in heaviness around us. It took me more than a second to process what I had just heard.

I was sitting across from this beautiful woman with eyes that are like melting chocolate and noticed the light highlighting the perfectly ornate detail of her face and hair. As I looked into her eyes, I realized that she was serious and believed that somehow she wasn’t enough, exactly as she was, in that moment.

All I wanted to do was change her mind and convince her that she didn’t need any alterations. I longed to free her from this cage of lies she was stuck in, but the level of complete certainty in her voice left me completely speechless. How do you argue with such certainty, rooted in years of quiet yet destructive lies, that you aren’t enough? Instead, I just sat across from her and tried to listen to her reasonings and justifications. After that conversation, I took note of the disconnect between how I saw her and how she saw herself. It left an instantaneous imprint—a photographic negative of her perspective, the opposite of what she saw in herself. Where she saw flaws, I saw beauty. And in that moment, as quick as the opening and the closing of the camera’s shutter that somehow captures a whole world with its flash, a memory worth a thousand words came back to me.

***

Last year, my friend Anna asked me to photograph her for her last year of high school—a true honor to memorialize such a momentous occasion. As we were planning a morning to do the shoot, I noticed flashes of fear in her eyes. I was bubbling with excitement and inspiration from thinking about all of the creative ideas I had for the shoot, but I could sense a little bit of her hesitation, which dampened my excitement. At the time, I was left feeling confused and, in all honesty, slightly offended. Why wasn’t she equally excited about her senior year photoshoot? We parted ways after our conversation, and she agreed to meet early the next morning after I explained how the lighting was best during that time of the day.

The sound of my alarm jolted me from my sleep early the next morning. I turned over, and the time glared on my home screen: 6:00 a.m.. For a brief moment, I considered ignoring the time completely and pretending that today was actually another day. As I laid there, I remembered Anna’s lack of excitement in our conversation, which made the idea of falling back asleep sound that much more appealing. However, there was a bigger part of me that knew that I couldn’t let her down. Slowly, begrudgingly, I forced myself out of bed and got ready for the eventful day ahead.

After triple checking to make sure my camera was fully charged, I scrambled to find my keys and left to meet Anna at an open field nearby. When I pulled into the parking lot, she was putting on the last-minute finishing touches to her makeup and outfit. As soon as she got out of the car, I was taken aback by the length of her sunset red dress that perfectly traveled up to reach her shoulders. Each fold and piece of fabric was perfectly placed, and I couldn’t help but stare for a couple of seconds. She looked as close to angelic as I had ever seen.

We started walking over to where we were going to take pictures, and I kept repeating to her how amazing she looked and how excited I was about the morning we were going to spend together. I assured her that I was going to explain exactly how I wanted her to pose to ease some of her worries. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible in front of the camera.

I began taking pictures of her, but I could tell that she was uncomfortable. I walked her through exactly how I wanted her to position her body, but she continued to stiffen up with self-doubt. I could feel the insecurity and frustration surfacing in her. Rather than letting her walk away, I began to speak truth over her: she was beautiful. And she deserved to feel that way in this moment. I reminded her that focusing on her own beauty in this moment is something to celebrate—a chance to talk back to her mind as it tried to take her back to a place of self-doubt.

As I continued scouting out the area for the perfect location, I noticed tall, white flowers peeking over the grass from the field where we were standing. They looked like tiny daisies, ornately clothing the grass surrounding them. I jumped with joy and motioned with excitement to Anna to come and see what I had discovered. As soon as she came over, her face lit up and beamed with excitement. Almost immediately, she began to loosen up and started dancing in the grass, seemingly forgetting that I was even there. In seeing such beauty, she came alive before the camera, and her own radiance became even more palpable. Her genuine joy and comfort swept her doubts away, which completely transformed how I photographed her. Any residing insecurity or doubt I had in my own ability disappeared. We both welcomed the freedom to steadfastly, wholeheartedly love ourselves, in this very moment.

Once we finished our session, we walked back to our cars together, and I leaned over to show her some of the pictures we had created. The images were stunning. They were some of my best work, and I was so overjoyed with how they turned out. I glanced over at Anna to see her reaction, and she lifted her glistening eyes to meet with mine.

“Grace, this is the first time I’ve ever felt beautiful.”

I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I struggled to muster a response for her. I had found my purpose in my craft. Never in my life had something been so clearly revealed to me.

All of this time, my focus had been on the self. I imagined and chased this goal of winning prizes through my photography: the validation, the likes on Instagram, the recognition. In this moment, every reward became meaningless. My imagination paused the longing for validation and self-recognition and welcomed Anna’s words to breathe life and meaning into my spirit. That feeling is one I never wanted to let go of. It was that sweet.

I realized that what I love the most about photography is how the camera allows me to portray people with sympathy. It provides me with the ability to capture both the somber and striking beauty in each person I photograph. Sometimes, simply reminding someone of their beauty isn’t compelling enough. But when they see photographs of themselves instead, they see themselves in a light that is compelling. Photographs can gently invite my subjects to foster a posture of beauty, grace, and admiration in how they see themselves.

***

This entire memory flashes through my mind as I process what my friend has said about wanting the nose job. I don’t think I will ever be able to convince her of her beauty through politics, compelling statistics, various research, feminist theories, or personal anecdotes.

Perhaps I can begin with a question instead.

“Can I take you to this beautiful field of grass?”